Monday, October 28, 2013

Decoding Marineland's Latest Press Release

Following Community Safety Minister Madeleine Meilleur's announcement last week, Marineland has issued their own press release applauding the Minister's move to introduce regulatory reforms that will supposedly better protect animals in Ontario:

As with all PR materials released by Marineland over the years we think the public would benefit from a more accurate version, so here is the translation for those that don't speak Marinelandese:

Marineland Welcomes Ontario's Community Safety Minister's Announcement Regarding Animal Welfare
(Marineland Thanks Ontario's Community Safety Minister For Doing Nothing)

Canada NewsWire
NIAGARA FALLS, ON, Oct. 25, 2013 /CNW/ - 

Marineland welcomes the announcement by Ontario's Community Safety Minister Madeleine Meilleur in regards to animal welfare and her decision to seek independent scientific advice in the establishment of appropriate standards of care for marine mammals. 
(Are we ever relieved that despite years of already existing widespread scientific research that the Minister still doesn't realize marine mammals don't belong in concrete boxes!)

The wellbeing of our animals and mammals has, and always will be, our first priority.
(Well actually profits are our first priority but buying new whales to replace dead ones certainly isn't cheap AMIRIGHT?)

Our dolphins, whales, sea lions, walruses, deer and bears are what attract the tens of millions who have watched our shows and visited our attraction. 
(No really, they don't come for the broken down rides.)

Like us, our visitors want to ensure those animals and mammals they love are well cared for and we are confident the establishment of transparent standards of care will provide that assurance and in the process ensure the long-term and ongoing success of Marineland. 
(We hope this whole anti-captivity thing is just a phase the public is going through and we are shit scared we might not survive if it continues.)

Marineland is one of Canada's premier family attractions in large part because it features both marine mammals and animals in addition to its many rides.
(OK we aren't even the premier attraction in Chippawa but we've climbed up to #48 on Trip Advisor!)

Throughout our 52 year history, Marineland has been proud to bring the magic of our ocean's creatures closer to the public.
(You heard us, we are PROUD to kidnap ocean animals from their families and drag them to the middle of the continent so your snotty kid can throw pennies in their tank)

Doing so has not only inspired further discovery and study for the global protection and advancement of the many species we feature, but we have also brought billions of tourism dollars to the Ontario economy supporting local hotels, tourism attractions and restaurants.
(Without out us capturing animals and making them suffer, not only would entire species be completely fucked but so would the entire tourism industry!  OK we don't really expect you to buy this one but we will sue the shit out of anyone who says otherwise!)

Marineland is a major contributor to employment in the region, employing over 700 people on a seasonal basis and is one of the leading employers of young adults and senior citizens in this area.
(Actually we don't even crack the top 25 employers in the region and we rarely pay above minimum wage for what is often dangerous work but hey, you believed us when we said BILLIONS!)

Marineland will be pleased to share its knowledge and experience with the scientific reviewer. 
(We've become near experts on shortening the lifespan of nearly all our whales, feel free to ask us how we do it!)

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant! It would be funny if it wasn't so true :(